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Monday, December 1st, 2003

Time:4:28 pm.
did you know when you go its the perfect ending to the bad day i was just begginning. when you go all i know is your my favorite mistake.
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Saturday, November 29th, 2003

Time:9:54 pm.
leaving the party. i didn't say goodbye. just walked out because people are so hypocritical. but i saw something tonight that frightened me beyond belief...two of my friends...who were extremely intoxicated....were telling how they loved their friends and the next minute they were hysterical in tears. i have newfound respect for them both...because the one person i never would think could cry in front of anyone.
im helpless and weak.
dead.
if im not here next autumn please except my apology.
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Sunday, November 23rd, 2003

Time:8:11 pm.
the worst part is that i'll probably stay up all night just to see if you will talk to me.

ihatefeelings.
i want to never feeeeeeeel the way i do now about anyone EVER again.


i remember the way it felt
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Time:4:40 am.
it's a solid fact, i'm sobering up.i've cleared everything from my presence because for a week there i almost thought i was an addict. thirteen times in the last month ive thrown tantrums and twenty one alone ive caught myself violently shaking at the thought of my problems. i know i shouldn't blame anyone but myself for my problems, but i keep coming to the fact that you have helped with digging my grave.but i've calmed my addictions and put suicide back in the cabinet. i'm not even thinking of a way out anymore. no more.
I know ,you know that you don't do it on purpose, but you make me weak.
tonight there was nothing on my mind but you singing.
my heart is fluctuating. everytime i die, i love you.

creaks and cracks. in between the lines of knowing and not knowing what to say to you is a dreadful way to fall asleep with at night. the pictures aren't as good as you.
hotdamn.
no hand molds to mine like yours. and no lips kiss like yours. and no one will ever fold me in like you because its you who holds my heart.idiot.
im too tired for this.
its been a hard days night thank you very much.
thank you to all who have helped me. and to all a goodnight.
I guess i just want my happy ending.
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Saturday, November 22nd, 2003

Time:8:45 pm.
. <
j
3
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Time:8:11 pm.
empty high school parking lots and anxiety attacks. by 12 i've realized there's no hope left for your weary eyes and i'll just have to pick up the pieces and move on for good this time. i will stand , and remain through the pain, because i chose to fight for what was right until it was proven wrong. and you have NEVER proven me wrong. so here's my ode to you, there is no pride in being called yours but there is pride in what you have made me. i speak these words with spiteful hate when i know deep down you need me.

happy birthday, asshole.








all i've got is a broken heart and an empty bottle.






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empty high school parking lots and anxiety attacks. by 12 i've realized there's no hope left for your weary eyes and i'll just have to pick up the pieces and move on for good this time. i will stand , and remain through the pain, because i chose to fight for what was right until it was proven wrong. and you have NEVER proven me wrong. so here's my ode to you, there is no pride in being called yours but there is pride in what you have made me. i speak these words with spiteful hate when i know deep down you need me.

happy birthday, asshole.








<small> all i've got is a broken heart and an empty bottle.






<j
3
reflection of what you are.you're beauty enraptures me and brings such heartbreak. but you write such pretty words and you sing with such passion...pressing noses against fogged, cold windows do not bring the chill down my spine. yet when you're name appears my heart jumps like a girl playing jumprope. can we try , because i've come to the realization that no other lips fit as well as when yours are placed on mine and no hand molds to my hand like yours. distance can make my heart grow </small> fonder <small> stronger be still let me capture your beauty in a jar ,butterfly. display it for the world to see and carry it with me wherever i go... you fly away when i let you go but i know you'll come back. you always come back to me. and it's true, i break in two for you. and when i get knocked out by your eyes , i come too realizing that it was just the shock that led me to fall for you. three weeks and counting. november rain has ceased to fall , but all is well, it's been just as hard without you by my side. baybee you are the light in my attic , the water in my lungs, the zing in my zang. i was looking forward to sleeping next to you and kissing your hip bones these nights but i've lived and just tried to pass it off as if i wasn't thinking about you every second of my late november. i am not helpless but im hopeless to my devotion that someday this will be good. i've got a bag full of patience and practice in my back pocket... it might come in handy. yet something stands in the way... maybe autumn wasn't our season and maybe we can look to winter for a better home.



you're so oblivious. baby, you're my oblivion.

</small>
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Sunday, November 16th, 2003

Time:7:02 pm.
i swear i feel like i'm at an all time low.

my heart is in the worst condition it has ever been in. its critical and i swear one more blow to it and i'm done for. like a weak ship in rough water , i'm ready to sink.
you have been my floatation device that has ceased to work and now i've been let down so much that i drown in my own sorrow.my lungs fill up with what i'm afraid to realize is the very own water that i've produced from my eyes and i think to myself, you're the only one to blame.
i know somewhere in the back of your head you're thinking how messed up this is... but in the end what does it all add up too? its an unequivalent math problem ..... but you're just so beautiful.


for you, i played myself.
i saw frank this weekend. he is tooawesome. i hung out with dan today. he is the man. and lianne the love of my life sleptover last nightt after a fun day at the mall.
btbam tues....bleedingthrough wed......and etid sunday<3333 iswearimgoingtomakelovetothem.


you were my best kept secret
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Monday, November 3rd, 2003

Time:6:16 am.
i couldn't sleep all night and then when i finally fall asleep my alarm clock goes off.
did i mnetion how wondeful my day was yesterday and how amazing this boy is.
okay im done <3
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Sunday, November 2nd, 2003

Time:8:47 pm.
things don't get much better than this.

and yes he amazed me today.

fo sho. <33
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Saturday, November 1st, 2003

Time:7:40 pm.
halloween was really fun. i had fun. and thats all that matters. hahi enjoyed being out on wading river hallow getting egged by random people while missy was cursing out some chick who was all up in her grill.then me trying to stumble through the woods while being attacked by some nigs in the woods with random people i coudlnt see then missy walking into a stick. ohmygod and when cynthia came and i hopeed inthe car and egged everyone on my front lawn. hah im so glad i made new friends.....oh and i love lianne because she moshes<3i'm sick of me trying to do things for people ....so i gave up on them and had my own fun.
tomorrow shall be enjoyable<3.
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Sunday, October 26th, 2003

Subject:christine campbell owns my heart.
Time:2:00 pm.
how could she say that? oh wow "put yourself in my shoes picture how hard it is for me" self pity? you did this to yourself you brought it upon no one and i mean no one but yourself. i hope this starts a craze.
people running down streets with sticks and fire calling out and trying to find you.NO LOVE FOR THE WEARY. you've branded yourself with insufficient promises and false ideals. i want to stop caring...all my love has somehow turned into hate. it's over and you can bet in a couple of months everyone will still be gossiping about the biggest whore in town.
i can't believe i was so fucking blind to all of this. each word i type i think over caues it has to be filled with so much hate.
i too would give all my marbles for you, dear because you are true....and oh how i love you.
some friends are there till' the end.
you are the calcium in my bones. you are what keeps me strong.i hold onto you when i feel lost and i never loose sight of you. you are my guiding light. thank you.

these past night have been the best in a long time. i love my crew. they make fun and i laugh hard. we party hard and run around the streets singing abc's at the top of our lungs.


i still want those flowers you said you'd pick for me.
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Saturday, October 25th, 2003

Subject:so on and so forth.
Time:11:14 am.
there's lots of noise exploding from his speakers. the words that flow out have nothing to do with his characteristics. i cannot see how he can sing such songs. blame, guilt and sorrow hold him down by the shoulders. my arms have held such sadness that i've never touched before you. now that i think about it i don't know you and i don't think i ever will.
it took me fifteen the other night. my toungue could not taste and i felt like throwing up all the words i haven't told.
my mouth can not meet my demands. only my head can. and i wrote you letters in math the other day and it was enclosed with numbers and sentences. numerical codes are the way to my heart.oh yes they do. and maybe i just lied so i could trick you into believing something that wasn't true so i could see what you're like since i know you love those numbers.and if you could just fall for me i wouldn't have to go through with writing all these letters because believe me they are not easy. but i guess thats how these things work.work hard and then you get what you deserve. i guess i'll just keep working up a storm and increase my effiency rates . lately i feel like my heartbeat has just trickled down to a tick-tock clock. time consumes me. i spend waiting out nights for you to call me . but one day you will...i know you'll come around. everyone comes to their senses in the end. does anybody remember back when time wasn't a thing? those were the good old days. i think i stand correct that my toungue and my heart are the only parts of my body that work harder than my right hand. and you making it impossible sometimes for me to understand what's going on.

i lie for only you.
i saw a video of him dancing last night. it made me feel a little closer and less distant from him.
and she makes it impossible to speak the truth because all she says is about her and her ways. i've finally given up on you.
the worst part about it is that you can't even comprehend right from wrong. if i were you i'd poke my eyes out so i'd never have to see another beauty again. and it scrape my tongue dry so i could never taste another. and burn my skin so i'd never touch again. maybe id just sit in tubs of water everyday and see how i wronged myself and others.but that will never happen because i'll never be you and you'll never be me.
wait. wait. it's all about the timing.
i'm not thinking about sex again for a while.
if you don't think that i don't look around to find other things to think of to get my mind off you than i'm sorry to say this but i do. oh how i do. you'll never know how much things like this tear me apart but maybe you do. just maybe we're waiting, waiting like a puzzle .. just sitting alone with scattered pieces of a portrait that is capable of one day being beautiful. lets work this out.... lets put this together.
i got hit out of nowhere by fast striking car. you are the reason i burty myself in sheets and mark my point where i sleep. if i'm not there in the morning... in that same exact spot, then i know i've tossed and turned for you.
i'd like to find a nice boy who will do me no wrong. next time i see you i want to kiss you but no. maybe. i miss you. i'll make you a promise i'll keeep to myself. i promise you i won't let you down. oh god what am i saying. writing essays and some hearts on paper.

i feel i am more than nothing, i say what i mean and mean what i say.this is the last twenty seconds i think i'll ever spend being the least bit vulnerable.this story goes on and on. quite frankly i'll keep writing my words until the day i disapear.
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Thursday, October 23rd, 2003

Time:10:49 pm.
little girl, i'm sorry that the holes in your ears are so fucking big that every word i say goes right through and out. never run to me again. grow up and realize that you have lost everything in me.learn to respect yourself before you go around saying others don't have respect. you've lost everything. you make no sense and you've thrown every reason out the window. smart move. from now on realize that everything you say will go through one ear and out the other because obviously you never cared.





oh and i'd like to add i miss a boy even though ... what am i trying to say?
ahadsgkdogdohjofd i dont know .
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Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003

Time:8:16 pm.
my friends are really dumb.

but i still love them.


friday night. movies . be there or be square.

frank is the coolest.

ms.taurriello told my mom she loves me. hah. maybe i sohuld be nice to her now. and not steal her pens.




no no no.
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Saturday, October 18th, 2003

Time:1:34 am.
tonight was an amazing night.
i'm in love with joel madden and for sure this time,
i'm amazed at what people can do. and tonight was just amazing.
i can't explain it.the best night in a long time. and it was a kick
in the ass. i'm ready to start this off.
i love music.
oh god i swear i was put on this world to rock.
and rock is what i'll do.

i'm at kerri's and i feel the shots catching up with me.
so i'm out.




i swear i swear i swear, i'm going to concentrate on this till' it gets somewhere. <333
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Friday, October 10th, 2003

Time:6:48 am.
i missed the bus i missed the bus i missed the bussssss.
shit.

i'm going to see boys night out tonight. it' going to be lea's little birthday partay thang. yeahh. uhmm.
school sucks and i don't know why i go.
i woke up today and i don't even remember falling asleep.
i hung out with vanessa all day yesterday. that was fun.

uhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

i have homework to do. <3
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Monday, October 6th, 2003

Subject:and for the fallen , i've finally given up on you.
Time:12:01 am.
i'm not quite sure how i feel. just staring at the ceiling and i just can't get over myself that i actually have the gut to waste my hours thinking of you.i've decided that this is the last day and i don't care if i've failed you.all the leaves have left the trees and i've fallen behind.i've left you behind.

i can't wait till' we are together so i can have you just near me.and if i had something i would stick to it.i'm just sorry to say that i can't and it will never be.i finish things before i start them. writing things off too early has is my best sport.just live for the moment.

i love my girls and how they make me feel.and i need to go to the mall tomorrow. i just do. it will make me feel ten times better, i swear.

and i hate this city more and more each day. new reasons add to it.

iiiii loveee vanessa and anna.
goodnight.
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Sunday, October 5th, 2003

Time:5:39 pm.
i would like something to fill these blank emotionless spaces with. i'm running dry on everything and right now i'm swallowing massive amounts of faked out lies.where happiness ended , life began. i feel awful and i dread seeing you next fall. you looked amazing in the rain. compassion is all that i have left. compassion for everything and everyone who abruptly left my life. i stay up nights loosing countless hours of sleep for you because i believe that i had feelings beyond belief for a cold-hearted, sweet lipped individual. rose petals that bled dark red , soaked onto the carpet and thats my reminder of you.



as close as i got, i never wanted to push you away. never again shall i push love away, for what i have lost is far beyond anything i will ever recieve again.
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Saturday, September 27th, 2003

Subject:everytime you justify another good in you dies
Time:10:37 pm.
converge = happiness and joy.
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Friday, September 19th, 2003

Time:6:57 am.
hah longwood had a 2-hour delay, only because they take it in the ass.


last night. chinese. and jenn.
i doubt schools worth going too.
so i'm saying home, 'cause i said so.
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LiveJournal for replacement comes in the form of dreams.

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You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.